M.I.A. due to The Happy

I know I don't have a large blog following (something I am sometimes grateful for and sometimes I lament but that's another post in and of itself), so I haven't received a public outcry or anything. But for those of you wondering where the heck I've been since mid September, I'm around. I swear. I'm just balancing a lot of balls right now, between school, work, sports, and friends, and blogging has been on the back burner.

I'm still reading but I haven't had the burning desire to write anything particularly noteworthy, so rather than stuff my space on the interwebs with filler, I've stayed quiet. Today, I got to thinking about it and I realized why.

This blog was started when I was in a really shitty place, and I definitely used it to blow off steam that I couldn't, or more often wouldn't, unload on people in real life. It didn't matter that it wasn't going out to a huge audience. It helped to put things into words. But what helped more was getting out of that shitty place, both mentally and physically.

I'm at a new school. I like it here. My courses are just as much work. I spend just as much time with my nose buried in books. But the campus is smaller and the professors are more accessible. It doesn't all seem so overwhelming. I'm not a goldfish in a shark tank anymore. Home is less than an hour away. I can go home for an evening or a weekend if I want to, and I have on more than one occasion. My friends can drive to my place and spend the night, which they do frequently. I'm not lonely.

I'm happy. Feels kinda nice to say. I still have my days, but don't we all? But the good days outnumber the bad days, and damn, what else can I ask for?

Don't take this as me quitting my blog, by far. I still have things to say, topics that are important to me, things I'm proud of and things that rub me the wrong way. You'll still see a rant or two out of me. But I'm doing better, and it feels nice.

Leaving

The move date is officially this Thursday. This produces gigantic YAY from the deepest part of me. I'm so excited to go home, closer to my friends, with my family and start to really focus on getting myself back on the track that I want to be one. So seriously. Huge yay. Not diminishing the yay factor.

But. (Isn't there always a but?)

I'm having a hard time with realizing how many friends here (or should I more accurately call them "friends" now?) can't be bothered to take time to see me in person and say goodbye before I leave. I told countless people back in early January, when the decision was made, that I was leaving, and while the date got pushed up from March to February, they still had a month's notice, and a lot of people that I really thought would want to say goodbye (do dinner, do coffee, go to a movie, hell just hang out) haven't.

They haven't called, e-mailed, texted, Facebook'd or anything else, and I'm expecting a lot of "Oh its a shame I didn't see you before you left" lip service once I'm home, because, hello, have I mentioned I'm moving in THREE DAYS? There's packing to be done, and lots of it, and other things to settle before I take off, so there won't be time for getting together the day before I leave.

Its just kinda hitting me hard in the gut tonight that people can't be bothered. Maybe I've been spoiled with friendships in my lifetime, but when I was leaving at the end of summer, I saw one friend for a day, and the next day, she was in town and wanted to go for coffee before she went home. I laughed and reminded her she had seen me the day before, and she laughed back at me and said she wanted to see me as much as possible before I was gone. And this is someone who knew she'd see me at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Reading Week, Easter, etc.

The people here know, because I've told them, that I'm leaving for good. Not coming back. Gone. Done. Finished. And they still can't be bothered, and it stings a little. Or maybe a lot. I need comfort food and a movie night with my real friends.

The bad days

The hardest part of the movin on up phase are the days when you feel like you're falling again. I'm having one, and I can't stop crying.

I want to go home. Now.