Pregnancy is not a disability

These signs seem to be cropping up more and more, at malls and stores in the bigger city where I go to school, and they make me angry.

I said it on Twitter the other day, and I'll say it again: Pregnancy is NOT a disability.

Yes, pregnancy creates discomfort. Swollen feet or legs. Sore backs, ribs. Fatigue. Etc etc. I'll never argue that. But women have been getting pregnant and giving birth for centuries and I'm fairly confident that walking a couple extra feet to a store didn't kill them. I'm also fairly certain most people know pregnancy isn't going to be the most comfortable experience of their life BEFORE they chose to get pregnant.

I had the pleasant experience of a woman, probably 6ish months pregnant, trying to cut a line at the mall the other day, while Christmas shopping. When someone, very politely, pointed out that there was a line, she angrily replied, "But I'm PREGNANT." I can't say I've got a lot of sympathy for that attitude.

Another logic point that I don't understand is this: If you can't manage to walk a few extra feet from your car to the store, do you plan to walk around inside? The mind boggles.

For me, it boils down to this. You chose to get pregnant (either purposely or by birth control neglect), so deal with the consequences. There are many many women out there that would kill to be in that situation. They're take every minute of sick and sore happily but they can't have kids. So be thankful, instead of entitled.

For your blogging pleasure

Sometimes, my buddies give me the best blog fodder out there. A lot of the time, I can't figure out how to make the story anonymous enough that I'm not giving identifying details and you suckers miss out on stories that make me laugh hard enough that I can feel the six pack coming in. (Ha!)

Quick back story: One of my best guy friends that I mentioned in my last post has been dating a girl for about 6 months. They're pretty casual, and no one's sure if its going to be a long term thing or not yet. She's a little clingy, which turns most of us off, but other than that, she's an okay person. But apparently, today...she jumped off the deep end into The Crazy.

So my cell phone rings, and I see my friend's name on the caller ID, and pick it up. The following conversation ensues:

Me: What's up, champ?
Him: She--I--FOR FUCK SAKES--I can't believe--
Me: Uh, okay? Hi to you too?
Him: It has NOT been--I am NOT about to--WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE NUTJOBS?
Me: Nutjobs, eh? Okay, so we're discussing your girlfriend, am I on topic now?
Him: YES!
Me: What about her?
Him: She's losing her fucking mind!!!
Me: So send her to the mental ward already. What'd she do this time?
Him: Do you know what she asked me?
Me: No, obviously not so why don't you tell me?
Him: She asked me why I haven't proposed to her yet!!!
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Him: That's what I said. And since I didn't answer, I got a big ass lecture on her needing to know where its going, and if we're not serious enough to get married by now, she is wasting her time and I am stringing her along. And THEN she started talking about how she's got our wedding planned and baby names. Seriously. Baby names--
Me: (cutting him off) We ARE talking about *inserthernamehere*, the girl you've been dating for all of 6 months, right?
Him: YES!
Me: ...Baby names?
Him: Elijah Michael, for the record. And that makes me think of Frodo from Lord of the Rings. And YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE FRODO.
Me: (starting to laugh at this point) Your hypothetical son with your hypothetical wife is going to be named Elijah?
Him: And if I'm not game for that plan, I'm stringing her along. Apparently.
Me: (laughing even harder) Then you better be stringing her along, or we are not friends anymore.
Him: Crazy bitch.
Me: Y'think? So where'd this whole demand for a proposal come from anyway?
Him: Her best friend got engaged.
Me: Monkey see, monkey do.
Him: Are you calling my girlfriend a monkey?
Me: Seems appropriate.
Him: ...Touche. I think we need to go away this weekend. No females allowed.
Me: Ahem
Him: Except you. Of course.

The conversation continues from here, but it gets less funny for the general public, because it includes a lot more references to events only we understand, inside jokes, etc. But seriously, girls...after 6 months of dating? Not the time to ask why he hasn't proposed and picked baby names with you yet. It sends him running for the hills.

How to make your boyfriend's friends like you

UPDATE: Oh there is justice in the world. There is justice. Le girlfriend is no more. Gone. Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

I am decidedly tomboy in personality. I look very girly, but I can act like a total boy. Because of this, and because girls are too much drama, most of my best friends are guys. Because of this, I deal with a lot of the psycho girlfriends that come with it. This is my list of advice for females for making nice with your new boyfriend's friends.

- Recognize the importance of friend approval if you want to stick around. Flings don't require any approval, but if you don't fit in with the friends that are important to a guy, you don't fit into his everyday life. He won't like that. Its easier when a girl blends in with the friends, rather than creating drama with them.
- Remember that the friends were there first. Your relationship with him and ours are different, but chances are, we've got a lot more history, and if push comes to shove, he's going to pick all of us over one of you. Don't ever try to make him make that choice.
- Try to enjoy the things he does with his friends. This doesn't mean you have to do things you hate, or compromise ideals. But if they're doing something relatively harmless and you're invited, try to hang out. They'll appreciate the effort, even if you end up hating it.
- Don't accuse his female friends of sleeping with him, wanting to sleep with him, or anything else. It makes you look like a jealous, crazy broad who is absolutely paranoid. If they've been friends since they were young, and they were going to sleep together, trust me...it would have happened by now.
- Don't turn into a snoop. Don't check his calls, read his texts, go on his instant messaging, or go through anything else that isn't yours. Just because he's dating you does not mean he's not entitled to private conversations.
- We demand private time with him. This means time where you're not around, not texting, not calling, and not e-mailing him. Time where you do not exist. This is essential.
- Don't call him annoying ass pet names in front of us. "Babe" or the likes are acceptable, when not said in a baby tone, but "muffincake" or anything remotely like that makes us all want to gouge your eyes out. Him included, not gonna lie.

I'm currently dealing with a female who has entered my life, thanks to one of my best friends (thanks, Sean) who breaks every single one of the above rules. Our entire friend group hates her and has no problem undermining their relationship. We don't want her around, and we'll be openly happy when she bites the dust.

So girls, don't ever be that girl. Seriously. She sucks.

"You're next!"

Its my uncle's favourite thing to tell me at family holidays. "You're next!" Why am I next? Because in order of age of my cousins, I'm next in line to get married and start popping out the rugrats. Good times, good times. With my cousin who's two years older than me getting married next month, I'm the last grandchild that's marrying age that is unwed. And with many friends from high school getting engaged, married and announcing pregnancies, my head can't help but think, "HUH?! ALREADY?! But...but...we're so young!" (VERY early 20s, for those of you keeping score at home)

And good for them, if they're happy. I mean that sincerely. If its right for them, good for them. But when I see someone carting a baby seat around at a party, you'll have a hard time selling it to me that they're happy. Parents who bring their baby somewhere where their friends are boozing hard don't want to be mommies at that point in time. They just want to be like the rest of us, who aren't getting up at 3 AM for a feeding.

I look at some single mothers my age, and watch them trying to balance school (if they haven't already dropped out), the baby, their family, their friends and social life, child support and visits (sometimes supervised - way to choose a winner there) with babydaddy and all I can think is "No. Thank. You." I don't ever want that life. I don't want to live off a combo of welfare, support payments and mothers allowance. Not on your life.

So maybe I'm next. I still makes me want to backhand the person who says that. But you better believe that when I have kids, I'll be having kids because I'm ready to be a mom...not because I was forced to be a mom to a baby that was already here. My test for whether I'm ready for parenthood is simple. When I see on the stick and it says positive, I want to say "YES!!!!" instead of "Oh shit, what now?"

"That" girl.

Please don't ever let me become the possessive girl. Please don't. I'm so serious. It boils my blood like the devil's ass crack when girls are like that. If a girl is crossing the line, sure...go all "He's mah man, biatch" on her. I'm down. Have at er. Jello wrestle, if you must.

But when a girl, who is your roommate, is hanging out in the living room with your boyfriend (who also lives in the house, are you following?) laying on two separate couches playing Mario Kart on Wii, don't be a bitch about it. Over and over. They're hanging out, not making out.

Of course, the above is a completely hypothetical example but you all understand where I'm coming from, right? Right. Don't be that girl.

I'll hurt you.