Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Who needs a guard dog when you've got 20-somethings with paintball guns?

There's an elderly couple that lives down the road from me. They're 82 (him) and 75 (her) years old, and they'll never let you forget it, because they're still farming. Bad ass, I say. I wanna be that awesome when I'm old. He's deafer than a doornail, and walks slower now, the product of a hip and knee replacement, and if she doesn't have osteoporosis, I'm a monkey's uncle, but they still run their own darn farm. Epic.

They've had a strawberry patch for my entire life, and you'll never have better berries in your life. They're a hard to find variety, and they're grown with no chemicals or artificial fertilizers. I look forward to them every year. The patch has gotten smaller as they grow older, and its just them picking now, instead of the U Pick they used to offer, but they still let me pick berries any time I want to. They're the type of people that would give you the shirt off their back, if you needed it.

Recently, they've had problems with theft from their garden. Its becoming increasingly obvious that it is human theft, and not animal snacking, because plants are yanked out of the ground, and footprints are in the mud. They mentioned it while a friend and I were out picking berries today, and told me to watch my garden too. Theirs is far enough from their house that you could be out there with a flashlight and they wouldn't notice it.

The thought of someone stealing from the cute little old couple made me angry. Irrationally angry. Sometimes I hate humanity. But instead of sitting home being angry, my friend and I devised a plan. We gathered two more friends, and loaded up 4 paintball guns. With permission from my lovely elderly friends, we sat underneath the evergreens that line their garden and waited. Sure enough, two bodies come creeping...not from the driveway but from the trees, flashlights guiding their way. We waited until they were reaching for the berry plants and opened fire.

In seconds, our friendly neighbourhood thieves were covered head to toe in paint and what it sure to be paintball welts, because all 4 of us are country kids that have deadly aim with weapons. After a few yelps and some swearing, and us shining OUR flashlights in their faces, they ran very quickly to leave the property. It felt fantastic to bust them, because that business does not go down out here. Not in my backyard, baby.

And somehow, I doubt they'll be back. Win one for the good guys.


Anonymous said...

Awesome story. :)

And shame on anyone who would steal from such a deserving couple.

Marla @

WarsawMommy said...

I LOVE IT! Vengeance for the sweet old berry couple!

I think that would be a hilarious short movie, or short story... get on that, babe. Imagine the cheers as the country folk with deadly paintball aim turned their fire on the little snots. Fantastic.

Issas Crazy World said...

OMG I adore you. This is so awesome.

Kelly said...

OMG I laughed so hard I spit out my drink... Smirnoff + keyboard = not a good combo.
Whatever, it was worth it!!! Lol it's for reasons like this that my teenage son hides his paintball gun :).
Good for you, that must have been SOOO satisfying!!!

Brandy said...

You guys Rock! The world need more people like you.

Mase said...

Oh my gosh, I love this post. It actually made me laugh!

Yogi said...

What is a guard dog? It sounds confusing. Dogs are not for guard. If sb. feels so vanuable and defenceless the gun is the better defence. You have a dog to care for it.